Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
