I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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