I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
