Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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