And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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