a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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