i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
