Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
