I wish my penis had an off switch
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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