Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
