we were pretty classy up until the second keg
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
