Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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