Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
false alarm. still invincible.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
