in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
