We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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