I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
