I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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