Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
