Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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