Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
