I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
