his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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