I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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