Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
