Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
