and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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