I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
