dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
