That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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