Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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