that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
and you fell through a lawn chair
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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