I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
