I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
