My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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