in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
