You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
