You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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