Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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