Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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