She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
