Jerry, you need to find god
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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