that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
