I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
