is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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