We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
