I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
