There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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