I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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