So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Michael Bay diarrhea
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
