When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
