I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
